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What a month!!

I have been struggling with my eyes the last year and waiting for surgery to correct the premature cataracts that have made me nearly blind. It is amazing what we take for granted sometimes. As my vision has gotten worse I realize that I currently have 2 great joys in life....my babies and books. Unfortunately I have not seen much of either of these things as of late and it is having an profound affect on my moods I am afraid. 

This has been my view for the last few months (well it is a picture of how I see everything as of late). I finally have some surgery dates and hope that once my views are corrected I can get back to my journey of finding joy again. I have much anxiety about them cutting into my eyes (no doubt residual trauma from grade 11 biology class) but trying to remain calm in the hopes that soon my vision will be improved. In the mean time I have been walking, eating properly and exercising which is not a bad thing at all. I will be very grateful to see clearly again...once that happens I will let you know how it went and some of the changes that have been going on while I wait.

Back to the Kitchen

When I started to cultivate getting my life back I did so without misconceptions, I understood that it would be difficult. . . however I was not prepared for some of the sadness that would resurface.  I did write a post on Father's Day which is a difficult day for a number of reasons however decided that the emotions I was feeling that day were not meant for any one but myself, lets just say it was very cathartic. 

That said I am still working on some habits surrounding my emotional and physical well being but June was primarily spent on my environment. I have purged, cleaned, rearranged and am down to one wall and an ensuite that need to be repainted . . . it feels soooo good! Now that I am feeling comfortable with my space again I really want to start cooking more. I love to cook but don't do as much as I would like since cooking for one is not a lot of fun (and I hate dishes LOL).

I was able to spend this weekend with my youngest grandson and while in Langley I stopped by the Asian markets in search of some gochujang for a recipe I wanted to try . . .I may or may not have gotten carried away by all the great options that were surrounding me! So for fun I have deemed July Asian cooking month...at least 4 times a week my meals will need to have some sort of Asian flare! I love trying new things and I plan on using a lot of doenjang (fermented bean paste) this month, I had company last night who don't eat spicy food or garlic  but found a great recipe for chicken and sautéed potatoes that I was able to adapt and tasted sooo yummy!! Who knows, tonight will be fish or ramen but either way I am excited to look up new recipes and cook new things! 

Summer of Me

I got to be a grown up this past week . . .twice. Now that the boys have gone home I am finding myself quite bored and a wee bit (a lot) lonely, it was nice having them here and having some purpose to my days. So I deemed June "take care of Denise" month (I think July will follow suit)

In order to start a journey of self care I needed to look at some hard stuff. First, I have had a number of years that had some really hard things happen and I retreated into myself, covid did not help that and it is time to start enjoying my life again (of course I more than enjoy family time but it has become harder to come by these days). The problem is in figuring out what enjoying life looks like for me.

I thought a couple of hobbies might be nice so I ordered an adult paint by numbers, a couple new books and some sprouting trays to start growing microgreens. I imagined a different look in my house and started to rearrange some furniture to feel more comfortable and clean out some things that were no longer needed. I knew my health needed to become a priority so cleaned out the cupboards and starting looking at how I could accomplish this without diets and fads. I contacted a few friends and made plans to get together for a drink or dinner (hence the adulting I previously alluded to). 

Last night I met with a wonderful friend who helped me to put some of these choices into perspective. Even though I was working on a couple of things, they did not feel very productive. . .obviously I was failing . . or was I??

Change takes time. I need to allow myself time to have these little steps form into habits and not be so hard on myself. I had decided I needed 5 changes but my loving and wise friend made me see that I was being too literal and in jeopardy of overwhelming myself, causing an adverse response to all I needed to do. She helped me understand that for right now I am in the progress of making changes and need  to allow myself time to become used to them. I need to fill my tank before taking on anything else.

So here are the areas I was already unwittingly working on:

1) Physical Health: I am spending the time learning to eat differently, move more and try to find ways of healing some of my aches and pains

2) Spiritual Health: I have been in a dessert place for a long time and it has not done my any favours, I was happiest when my faith played a bigger role in day to day living so I have committed to going back to church and seeing what God might want to do with me now

3) Environment: Clearing some clutter and making my home more a place of refuge and peace (rather than a bed and kitchen) has already improved my day to day attitude. I have a few more corners and some painting to complete the transformation but so far I am pleased.

There are a few other things that I would like to work on but for the summer I shall focus on the above and take care of me for a change...I simply can no longer run on empty and will try to fill myself up over the next 6 weeks. Who knows what will happen after that :)

Today I choose joy!

 Is it possible for your heart to be full and sad at the same time?

This is a struggle for me this past couple of weeks . . . so much good and so much b*^&& $%^*t in my life at the same time. Of course most of what is making me sad is not for a public forum but suffice it to say that it feels quite hurtful. 

So, how then do I keep the full heart feelings above the rest, I suppose that this is the time something along the line of a gratitude journal is needed to keep my emotions from dwelling on the difficult and expanding on the amazing! This week the amazing is the fact that I am blessed with three, yes THREE wonderful grandsons whom I adore!!

The two oldest have been staying with me for a couple of months while their mom does some training and I am loving having them around. The youngest is close to work so I am able to stop in and get visits in often....thank goodness none of them were born overseas or I think my heart would die!

Mr Austin is now 15 and an absolute wonder of a teenager, the one who first gave me the title of grandma and how I love him!! He has been such a huge (all 6 feet of him) help to me during this stay by being my legs and muscle as well as my sarcastic comic relief. What a blessing he is and how blessed am I to have this concentrated time with him...it is something I will treasure always <3

Mr Gunner is my (almost) six year old monkey (aka wild) child! I experience so much joy from his inquisitive and loving nature. Some of the things that come out of his mouth are quite mind boggling and I love every moment that I am able to spend with him! How blessed am I to have a very close  wonderfully magical relationship with him....how I wish he was Peter Pan who would never grow and stay with me for always <3

Mr Wesley is the youngest and as cute as can be. He is very focused and intent about his surroundings which makes the giggles and snuggles even more precious. As he grows I cannot wait to make memories with him and watch as his personality blossoms. I am grateful for the time that I get to spend with him his love of books grows each visit making me giddy...I love to read a rhyming book to my babies <3

Yes, when I look at the things that make my heart full it is much easier to not dwell on the things that try to steal that joy. . . not today . . . today I choose to picture the three smiling faces that bring me joy!

I think I may be drowning...

 There was a time in the not too distant past that I loved to blog, as of late months go by and I think about it but realize I have not got the energy to sit and focus. This inability to take the time is totally on me, I have stopped taking care of my self. Over the past seven years I have lost a job I loved, said good bye to my father, had serious health trauma, grieved the loss of a son while welcoming the daughter she was to become. I certainly tried to maintain a positive attitude through it all...I have realized over the past few months that while trying to stay afloat I did not understand that with each mini crisis I was closer and closer to drowning. 

Don't get me wrong I am blessed. I love my family to a fault and have three amazing grandsons that I love beyond anything I have ever felt. Right now I am fortunate enough to have two of them with me for an extended period while their mom is doing some career training and I am loving every minute with them as it gives me purpose....but I am tired. Not just a physical tired from the added dishes and cooking and laundry but a deep deep (almost sad) tired within me. My tank is close to empty and although I certainly have enough love and energy to give the boys while they are with me I can feel that the bottom of what I have left is near. 

I had some plans for self care this past year however with the covid crisis and the training be postponed I had no idea what the future would hold and when my daughter would leave so I waited....I see that may not have been my best option. I see many decisions in the past few years that have been warped by grief, fatigue and a feeling a failure. They say the first step in recovery is admission so I admit that I need to take the remainder of this year to practice some self care, to deal with health and to start learning to breath again.