Today I choose joy!

 Is it possible for your heart to be full and sad at the same time?

This is a struggle for me this past couple of weeks . . . so much good and so much b*^&& $%^*t in my life at the same time. Of course most of what is making me sad is not for a public forum but suffice it to say that it feels quite hurtful. 

So, how then do I keep the full heart feelings above the rest, I suppose that this is the time something along the line of a gratitude journal is needed to keep my emotions from dwelling on the difficult and expanding on the amazing! This week the amazing is the fact that I am blessed with three, yes THREE wonderful grandsons whom I adore!!

The two oldest have been staying with me for a couple of months while their mom does some training and I am loving having them around. The youngest is close to work so I am able to stop in and get visits in often....thank goodness none of them were born overseas or I think my heart would die!

Mr Austin is now 15 and an absolute wonder of a teenager, the one who first gave me the title of grandma and how I love him!! He has been such a huge (all 6 feet of him) help to me during this stay by being my legs and muscle as well as my sarcastic comic relief. What a blessing he is and how blessed am I to have this concentrated time with him...it is something I will treasure always <3

Mr Gunner is my (almost) six year old monkey (aka wild) child! I experience so much joy from his inquisitive and loving nature. Some of the things that come out of his mouth are quite mind boggling and I love every moment that I am able to spend with him! How blessed am I to have a very close  wonderfully magical relationship with him....how I wish he was Peter Pan who would never grow and stay with me for always <3

Mr Wesley is the youngest and as cute as can be. He is very focused and intent about his surroundings which makes the giggles and snuggles even more precious. As he grows I cannot wait to make memories with him and watch as his personality blossoms. I am grateful for the time that I get to spend with him his love of books grows each visit making me giddy...I love to read a rhyming book to my babies <3

Yes, when I look at the things that make my heart full it is much easier to not dwell on the things that try to steal that joy. . . not today . . . today I choose to picture the three smiling faces that bring me joy!

I think I may be drowning...

 There was a time in the not too distant past that I loved to blog, as of late months go by and I think about it but realize I have not got the energy to sit and focus. This inability to take the time is totally on me, I have stopped taking care of my self. Over the past seven years I have lost a job I loved, said good bye to my father, had serious health trauma, grieved the loss of a son while welcoming the daughter she was to become. I certainly tried to maintain a positive attitude through it all...I have realized over the past few months that while trying to stay afloat I did not understand that with each mini crisis I was closer and closer to drowning. 

Don't get me wrong I am blessed. I love my family to a fault and have three amazing grandsons that I love beyond anything I have ever felt. Right now I am fortunate enough to have two of them with me for an extended period while their mom is doing some career training and I am loving every minute with them as it gives me purpose....but I am tired. Not just a physical tired from the added dishes and cooking and laundry but a deep deep (almost sad) tired within me. My tank is close to empty and although I certainly have enough love and energy to give the boys while they are with me I can feel that the bottom of what I have left is near. 

I had some plans for self care this past year however with the covid crisis and the training be postponed I had no idea what the future would hold and when my daughter would leave so I waited....I see that may not have been my best option. I see many decisions in the past few years that have been warped by grief, fatigue and a feeling a failure. They say the first step in recovery is admission so I admit that I need to take the remainder of this year to practice some self care, to deal with health and to start learning to breath again.