There was a time in the not too distant past that I loved to blog, as of late months go by and I think about it but realize I have not got the energy to sit and focus. This inability to take the time is totally on me, I have stopped taking care of my self. Over the past seven years I have lost a job I loved, said good bye to my father, had serious health trauma, grieved the loss of a son while welcoming the daughter she was to become. I certainly tried to maintain a positive attitude through it all...I have realized over the past few months that while trying to stay afloat I did not understand that with each mini crisis I was closer and closer to drowning.
Don't get me wrong I am blessed. I love my family to a fault and have three amazing grandsons that I love beyond anything I have ever felt. Right now I am fortunate enough to have two of them with me for an extended period while their mom is doing some career training and I am loving every minute with them as it gives me purpose....but I am tired. Not just a physical tired from the added dishes and cooking and laundry but a deep deep (almost sad) tired within me. My tank is close to empty and although I certainly have enough love and energy to give the boys while they are with me I can feel that the bottom of what I have left is near.
I had some plans for self care this past year however with the covid crisis and the training be postponed I had no idea what the future would hold and when my daughter would leave so I waited....I see that may not have been my best option. I see many decisions in the past few years that have been warped by grief, fatigue and a feeling a failure. They say the first step in recovery is admission so I admit that I need to take the remainder of this year to practice some self care, to deal with health and to start learning to breath again.
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