I think I may be drowning...

 There was a time in the not too distant past that I loved to blog, as of late months go by and I think about it but realize I have not got the energy to sit and focus. This inability to take the time is totally on me, I have stopped taking care of my self. Over the past seven years I have lost a job I loved, said good bye to my father, had serious health trauma, grieved the loss of a son while welcoming the daughter she was to become. I certainly tried to maintain a positive attitude through it all...I have realized over the past few months that while trying to stay afloat I did not understand that with each mini crisis I was closer and closer to drowning. 

Don't get me wrong I am blessed. I love my family to a fault and have three amazing grandsons that I love beyond anything I have ever felt. Right now I am fortunate enough to have two of them with me for an extended period while their mom is doing some career training and I am loving every minute with them as it gives me purpose....but I am tired. Not just a physical tired from the added dishes and cooking and laundry but a deep deep (almost sad) tired within me. My tank is close to empty and although I certainly have enough love and energy to give the boys while they are with me I can feel that the bottom of what I have left is near. 

I had some plans for self care this past year however with the covid crisis and the training be postponed I had no idea what the future would hold and when my daughter would leave so I waited....I see that may not have been my best option. I see many decisions in the past few years that have been warped by grief, fatigue and a feeling a failure. They say the first step in recovery is admission so I admit that I need to take the remainder of this year to practice some self care, to deal with health and to start learning to breath again. 

I love September!

 The past month has flown past! I am home from holidays and ready to start my very own 'unofficial' New Year! 

Somehow, in my own unique world, it seems that September is the start of all things new. . . routines, menus, clothing  and furniture placement all change in September. I love a crisp fall morning and the colour of the leaves changing. I love starting to simmer big pots of soup and make cookies for my grandkids and co-workers. I love taking walks along the lake and watching people interact. I love curling up with a great book, fuzzy blanket and a cup of coffee.  With the heat gone I can finally open my curtains and let the sun shine in (my apartment is VERY hot and the summer is often spent in the dark). Yup, I love September!

The past couple of years have been difficult for everyone and I have spent a good deal of time alone. . . alone, lazy, unmotivated all of which need to stop! The choice is mine and mine alone so time to get back to the world of living! With that in mind, this year I hope to start a few new things (kind of like resolutions LOL). I have joined a Monday night women's group that I am excited to attend, I have cleared out a new space for my yoga mat that has been sorely neglected this past year and moved one of my favourite reading chairs (and placed a large selection of books in front of it). I guess it is not really starting new things as much as getting back to living! 

PS/ I have not forgotten Habukkuk and will write about that later :)

Habba who??

This week, on more than one occasion the Habakkuk has come to mind. Since it is not exactly a common name I cannot help but wonder why. Habakkuk is a biblical prophet who wrote oracles of woe and lament in the Old Testament somewhere around 600-700 BC. It is not a name that is used much in anything contemporary so the only conclusion was that I was being called to study.

I have to admit that this is something I have not done in more than a few years but I knew right away that there must be a reason...and where that reason came from. So I immediately looked for a study book. There are not many but one of the first things I discovered was that his name comes from the Hebrew word  חבק (khavak)  meaning embrace. That made me stop in my tracks....my 2021 Word of the Year was 'embrace' although I had not done much embracing as of yet.  

I suppose this unlikely occurrence means that it would behoove me to embrace digging into this tiny obscure 3 chapter book. Over the past few years I have felt very distant from my faith, with so much that seemingly was going on (and wrong) I could not help but feel that even though God could hear me He was not helping me. I opened Habakkuk I found that seemed to be exactly what he was feeling too, he is crying out  but not getting the answers he expected...his frustrations are apparent. I can totally relate and do not like it any more than Habukkuk did! 

There is not much known about Habukkuk other he was a prophet and mouthpiece of God. By his words he obviously knows God and His works, he is aware of God's sovereignty and power yet shows a boldness in asking the hard questions. Over the next few weeks I too shall be asking some hard questions, perhaps I can also find the hope and praise that Habukkuk found despite the answers I may (or may not) receive!

My Horrible Revelation!

 I do not read enough! 

There was a time when I would read veraciously and finish books in no time at all but that has not been the case the last little while. . . the question is why? 

 I have been asking myself that the last week or so. I have LOTS of books, I certainly have time and I have a couple of comfy reading chairs. The problem is that as I have become more isolated I have also become a bit of a couch potato (I think it may be hereditary),  I have no one to talk to about the books and my eyes are not as good as they used to be. These are all really good excuses...problem is that an excuse is simply 'a reason put forward to defend or justify a fault' and therefore by the very definition not a valid reason at all! 

The bottom line is that somewhere along the line I lost some of my passion and it is time to get it back so my friends, reading is at the top of my list!!

This month I commit to reading more... I have 87 books on my "to read" list showing that I have good intentions (you know what they say about that).  I do however  have 5 particular books beside my chair and I intend to finish this month so if you are reading along with this please be sure to keep my accountable!

What is going to be my why??

It has been so long since I have blogged that I had to  take some time to remember my password!! 2020 was a tough year for everyone with the pandemic....but 2021 has been even harder for me. I have had a hard time re-starting. 

I read somewhere this week that you can lose your passion when you lose your why? If I were honest I think I lost my 'why' many moons ago. Over the past few years I have strictly focused on being a good grandma and paying the bills...I guess it has caused some confusion as to what my other passions truly are at this time of my life. 

So it is time to come up with some new whys. . . 

I am sure once I have come up with them I will be able to regain some of the passions I have missed during the past few years....maybe the pandemic was good for something after all!